it's a good question

And by the way, why is God sending grass fires to Texas?

Update: it's an amusing question, but the column isn't very good. You'll have more fun making up your own witty responses than reading it.

chicks bleed out their vaginas all the time

Those guys that do South Park are seriously going straight to hell. Before this, I thought the most appalling (AKA the funniest) episode was one that X and I watched on Christmas Eve, which contained:

1. Cute talking woodland animals that seemed harmless but which actually were protecting a porcupine pregnant with the spawn of Satan.

2. Stan taking three mountain lion cubs to a clinic so they could learn how to perform abortions.

3. Santa Claus shotgunning said woodland animals into bloody chunks.

4. The three mountain lion cubs performing an anal abortion on Stan after he becomes "impregnated" with the porcupine-born spawn of Satan, which needed a human host to execute its diabolical plan to take over the world.

But no - I guess a statue of the Virgin Mary hailed as a miracle when it starts bleeding from its ass (it turns out to be from the vagina) takes the cake. If by cake you mean a train ticket to hell.

well, the chicken is officially good

This picture didn't turn out as well as I hoped, but with a cell phone camera you can't be too picky.

The license plate on the car is from the federal government - to the left of the license plate number it lists what I think is a civil service classification. Below the license plate it says "for official use only."

So why did I take the photo? Because it was in the drive-through lane at Popeye's. And yes, I will be seriously macking the shit out of that chicken here in a little while.

turns out they didn't just wander off

the gay in gaylord

Well, I hope all six of you are fully recovered from your Christmas activities.

We had a good time here - X was home for a long weekend, starting Thursday night and lasting until yesterday, which is a relatively long holiday break for him.

I went with him to do some of his last-minute Christmas shopping on Friday. While we were out, we stopped at the Gaylord Texan, a hotel/conference center that opened in Grapevine about a year ago. I hadn't seen it before and wanted to see what all the fuss was about.

The place is definitely based on the "bigger is better, and more is more" school of architecture. The hotel's website says, "the magnificent Gaylord Texan pays tribute to everything Texas as only Texas can: on a grand scale," which is true enough, although it would have been more accurate to say "everything Texas as only Sigfried and Roy can."

Translated from Marketingese, this means: a gigantic glass atrium (very Texan in itself, except, you know, NOT AT ALL), enclosing a full-scale facade of the Alamo, a (real) river, real (taxidermied AND animatronic) cattle, and cactus - all festooned with twinkling lights, holiday glitter, and fanny-packed tourists taking pictures.

You know - authentic.

I had an odd love/hate reaction to the whole thing. It was so big and Vegas-y and cruise ship-y that I was completely creeped out. On the other hand, I kind of admired the scale of the thing too. It's like: a Gucci handbag is ugly. But! Painting an entire house in Gucci stripes? Inspired!

on, comet! on cupid! on, donder and rictus!

Merry Christmas, kiddies! Santa brought you a big bag of emotional scarring this year!

Photo from Zug.

the centrist

dV is a Social Liberal (61% permissive) and an... Economic Conservative (65% permissive) dV is best described as a: Centrist Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid

i do like her dog, though

I went out of town on business last week. As usual, the trip had its upsides and downsides.

Upsides: staying in a beautiful hotel, eating at amazing restaurants, and drinking great wine. (All three, by the way, I'm unlikely to do on my own since I really don't have that kind of money. If the week had been a personal vacation, it would have cost several thousand dollars. Pretty cool to have my company pay for it instead, and I appreciate that part of it.)

Downsides: extremely long days - meetings starting at seven in the morning and ending after the mandatory business dinner around 10. No alone time whatsoever. And the people I work with. My god, the people I work with.

I also got into a fight with my boss. I like her a lot, but sometimes she drives me absolutely crazy. Background: I recently got a promotion, but with the caveat that I would have to continue doing a part of my prior job along with my new one. She and I sat down with a list of my projects and together, we identified several things that someone else would start doing instead.

But on this trip, during a meeting, she blithely announced, with no apparent forethought, that she had changed her mind and that she wanted me to keep two of the more knotty projects after all.

I didn't say anything right away, but instead began to stew. I'm nervous enough about this new gig as it is. If I have to keep doing every goddamned thing I was doing in the old role AND do the new job at the same time, the top of my head will blow off.

So anyway, after the meeting, perhaps noticing the prominent veins now bulging out of my forehead, she asked me if I was OK. This prompted a sarcastic retort on my part, which culminated in the following angry exchange:

Her: Why do you ALWAYS go to the negative?!
Me: Maybe you didn't POSITION it very well! Did you ever think of THAT?


Then she stormed out to go walk her dog, which normally accompanies her on these business trips.

Fortunately (for me) we shortly smoothed things over. She's had screaming matches with every member of the management team at one point or another, but she comes from a hot-tempered Boston Italian family and doesn't hold grudges. Or so I'm told. If I go in tomorrow and find out I'm fired I'll let you know.

the natural conversationalist

I had to go to my grandboss' house last night for a holiday party. I was dreading it for the usual reason: party small talk. But this time I had a secret weapon.

I've been reading a book about introverts. (If you think introversion is the same as shyness or low self-esteem, go read this. After reading it, you will understand me a lot better.)

One of the suggestions in the book to help get through parties painlessly is to prepare notecards with conversational topics. This helps prevent that "too many people" sensation that comes over me when I'm overstimulated. My mind goes blank and I can't think of a single thing to say, so I cover by giving icy stares to everyone and end up with a reputation of being a snob. So I went to Google News right before the party and wrote out a list of topics that I wanted to remember:

1. Tookie Williams - will the Gropenfürher give him clemency or not?
2. Joe Lieberman - principled Democrat or just angling for the SecDef job?
3. Darren Clarke takes the lead in the Target World Challenge. This is golf-related, if you didn't know. I didn't know until yesterday.
4. The Chronicles of Narnia - harmless kid fantasy, or sinister religious wingnut propaganda?
5. La morte de Richard Pryor.

And you know what? It worked! About 10 minutes in to the party, I found myself talking to the husband of a woman I work with.

Me: Have you been keeping up with the Target World Challenge?
Him: A little bit. The last time I checked, [name forgotten] was ahead.
Me: Actually, he was, but today, Darren Clarke shot a 63 and moved into the lead. Which is pretty impressive considering his wife has cancer. (She really does. I know that sounds like a tidbit I would just throw in because I'm evil, but it's true.)

Can you believe it? Me! Talking golf!

don't be a douche, what would jesus do?

I'll tell you what: he'd say "give the Jew girl toys!" Sarah Silverman is a genius.

Best line:
what do you have to do with Jesus?/
you have as much to do with Him/
as you do your mother's penis

may 26, 2006

X should go ahead and request the day off. Just sayin'.

this happens to me all too often