hell is pink and fuzzy

A few months ago, I started a new business. This was mainly the result of getting laid off from my last employer and the resulting soul-searching:

Let's see. Things that I hate. Among many other things - being told what to do, sitting on conference calls, fluorescent lights, stupid co-workers, office politics...

It was easy to come to the conclusion that I probably shouldn't jump back into the corporate world right away, especially since most employers don't want to hire someone who hates 90% of the job.

Luckily, I found a very talented business partner who wanted in on the new company, so now we're off to the races and all is well.

The thing is that my partner is married with a couple of kids, and because we're friends as well as business associates, I offered to help prepare for her 1-year old's birthday party. So we had a fun afternoon baking and talking about the menu. Fun, right? Unfortunately, I then had to attend the party.

Living in a college town, as I do, it's easy to forget that not everyone is young and kid-free. In fact, I can go many days and have zero conversations about soccer practice and girl scouts. But at a birthday party for a 1-year old, that is emphatically not the case.

There were about a dozen adults and a dozen children, all under the age of 10. The male adults drank and talked sports, and the female adults drank and talked kids. I'm not equipped for either conversation. I did the best I could, but for the love of chicken buckets, I didn't even have the right uniform! What I was supposed to wear was a baseball cap, emblazoned with a sports team logo, a matching golf-style shirt, and sandals.

Beer helped, for sure, but after a couple of hours the constant screeching noise that kids make made me start to twitch. Literally, as it turns out. My partner noticed from across the room, and bless her, excused me.

rufus wainwright is a freak

...but I love this Edward Gorey-themed exercise video.

the blonde and the pig in knickers

Last night, Lorne and I went to see Notes on a Scandal, a movie starring Cate Blanchette as a feckless new art teacher at a rough school in inner-city London who starts a very ill-advised affair with a 15-year old student in one of her classes. Judi Dench is also in it - she plays a battleaxe spinster veteran history teacher who takes the newcomer under her wing (although not for any altruistic reasons).

Dame Judi, finding out about the affair, turns into a blackmailing lesbo-stalker obsessed with ruining Cate's career and family life so she'll have nowhere to turn except for her dust-encrusted embrace.

Judi was creepy good fun, but not as creepy as the leering queen at the ticket counter, who told us when we bought our tickets that the movie was "delicious" and then asked where our "green" was (this being St. Patrick's day and all). Lorne had given me a green foil shamrock sticker to wear, but I had stuck it to my jeans.

I pointed to it. "I'm safe. Don't pinch me."

"Ooh," he replied with a smirk. "I wasn't looking that low."

Ick. Ick. Ick.

kathleen turner curses a lot

This post has been deleted.

no one who has ever seen a flamingo will be surprised

The Dallas Morning News really stepped in guano this morning. I'm not normally a big fan of the paper - they're really provincial and don't even pretend to be a national newspaper anymore - but this story is guaranteed to ruffle some feathers (har):

Flamingo research under way at the Dallas Zoo is uncovering things you might not know – or might not want to know – about this long-legged pink beauty. Although captive flamingos tend to mate for life, the birds flock together in ways you might not expect.

Sometimes two male flamingos pair up, and sometimes two females do. They even have threesomes and – when the mood is right – foursomes.

"The male-male pairs tend to be good fathers," said zoologist Jeanette Boylan. "They are very attentive."

You know what this means, don't you? This means an avalanche of angry letters to the editor complaining that:

1. The Dallas Morning News and the Dallas Zoo are hellbound puppets of the gay rights lobby, and,
2. Homosexuality is not natural, not even in nature, and,
3. "I can't even take my children to the zoo anymore without having their precious little noses rubbed in this ornithological sodomite garbage! What about the children?!"

Oh, but let's continue:

Of course, with committed same-sex pairs – which happen more often in captivity because of the small flocks at zoos – the mating doesn't result in what mating is meant to. That's why couples might go to extremes to get babies to raise.

A female might have an affair with a male outside her pairing, then bring up the baby with her girlfriend. Males might steal a heterosexual couple's egg, then raise it as their own.

If you're wondering how they can get away with stealing someone else's chick, realize that the male-male pairs are dominant in the flock, according to the Dallas Zoo's research. Male-female pairs are second in the pecking order, followed by female-female pairs, then single males and, lastly, single females.

That is just awesome. The male-male pairs are dominant in the flock! Just as it should be!

Personally, I'm glad this story came out today. Because, you know, gay penguins just aren't gay enough, and besides, Roy and Silo broke up. Flamingoes are a much better symbol anyway: they're the Liberaces of the bird kingdom.

this is what 25 years of friendship does to you

This email was too splendid not to post in all its guiltbomb detail:

Ok. So, here’s the deal. I am driving to Texas and Arkansas for Thanksgiving. Because I frittered away my vacation days, I have very limited time for visiting.

In case you feel compelled to make me feel guilty about not spending more time with you, I will remind you that you didn’t call me on my birthday. Now as you know, I’m not one to hold grudges or keep count of such petty details, but you OWE me.

That said, I would like to meet you and X for dinner one night if you are free. I plan on getting in to Dumpenville around 3:00 on Sunday, 11/19/06. I will be there until Wednesday morning, when I will be going to my grandparents’ place. I could meet you in Dallas any evening. I assume that Sunday is best for you due to work and all, but I am open to Monday or Tuesday night as well.

This is a bare bones trip for me financially, so we would need to go somewhere relatively inexpensive. Unless, of course, you pay (which you typically do), then we could go somewhere less shabby. I leave it to you to choose where we meet. I eat like a bird, as you know (see pelican in the dictionary).

All of this is based on the assumption that you will be around during said time. I certainly understand if you have other commitments. I do hope you are free, as it would be very nice to see you, even if for just an evening. Let me know what you think.

Yours in Jeebus,

For God's sake, from reading this, you would get the idea that in junior high I had threatened to out him to the most vicious girl in school. I mean, get over it already.

the eggplant is the best part

I'll trade you that baby for a dollar.

oh, i was expecting alison moyet

Lorne and I went to see Irving at Hailey's tonight - they were great, but the crowd wasn't as good as last time. Here's a video of one of the songs they did tonight - it was just like the live version, including the giant cartoon birds.

that fuck

This fuck should just shut his fucking mouth. I mean, really - one week before the election and he just rallied the Republican base like Rove never could, playing into every centrist's distrust on whether the Democrats can be trusted on security, or whether they "get" the military. Kerry is just the gift that keeps on giving. Fuck.